I always said that my first line for this blog would be, “Sweetheart, you’ve gotta grow up overnight”. What do I mean by that? I am a 52 year old woman, now 30 years married who is talking to you as a girlfriend. I dearly want you to learn from my mistakes and I believe you can also learn from things I did right . . . by God’s grace. If you’ve found this site because your marriage is in crisis I want to implore you to understand something – you don’t have a lot of time. You are in the throes of terrible agony. I completely understand. And yet – you have to be open to changes, possibly a lot of changes and they will feel very hard. If your husband has stated that he’s unhappy let me assure you that he is already way ahead of you. He has ideas about and plans for how he can ameliorate his unhappiness and lemme tell you something, they don’t include you. If you want to fight for your marriage then you’ve got to ‘get a grip’! Now. You will have time for crying along the way, but now is not that time.
I am a Christian. My husband is a Christian. As a result of what we’ve gone through the past 14 months I have a better understanding of what it means to be a Christian woman who is very much in process. You’ll find that out and as I write I’ll learn more about my ‘in process’ stuff too.
Over the course of this year I’ve read a lot, listened to a lot online, continued to worship with my spiritual family, did some traveling – alone and with others, allowed myself to be vulnerable with others and they with me, been in hours of counseling (individual & as a couple), raged plenty (did I say that?) on paper through collage and words, ramped up my exercise . . . okay, so I’m getting ahead of myself. Lots has happened. I wasn’t just sitting around with my head in the sand waiting for it all to go away.
Waited for my knight in shining armor to come to his senses and realize that he really did love me and always had. I’m hoping that some of the things I’ve gone through and learned will be helpful to others. Mostly I’d like you to avert some of the stages I went through initially. I also want to give you resources in a helpful sequence.
It was April 2012 that I found out my husband was unhappy with our marriage. I went to the bathroom in the restaurant on the other side of the world, on the last day of a trip, and threw up, had a bout of diarrhea, looked at the walls of that grey cubicle and said to myself, “your life and the life of your family will never be the same”. Indeed. I’m here to tell you that there can be hope. Your life and the life of your family can be better than it was. My husband and I are taking sips of that now and are committed to keep working through the painful pieces because the sips we’re taking now are seriously GOOD.
My husband still has his own apartment. It’s been almost 5 months since he left . . . for the second time. First time was for 2 weeks. Truth be told he didn’t want to come back then but there were circumstances – including his shattered wife very much desiring him to come back home. This time I’m watching and waiting (Psalm 130 – The Message) – good girlfriends keep me steady when I am mad or sad. He started spending weekends with me 6 weeks ago and now he’s practically living at home. But not quite. I’m starting this blog now anyway. In process.
So, that’s enough for today. I will post resources and advice along the way. It may be several days or weeks between posts but that’s okay. My first priority is my marriage. We’re in recovery. It’s wonderful. It’s like dating . . . . with benefits. Please know that there can be hope for your marriage. Obviously I don’t know your circumstances, but if you’re here reading this then I assume you’re here because you have a sliver of hope or would like to find that sliver.
This article is excellent. Please read it. There is humour – you might even find yourself smiling. I’m smiling because I too knew that my husband’s mowing the lawn again was significant. He mowed our lawn for the first time ‘in ages’ 3 weeks ago. When I heard that lawnmower (at 7:30 on a Sat. morning but that’s another story!) I knew his heart was turning towards home.
I will be anonymous. I’ll be honest enough, but our anonymity will be of utmost importance. So here goes. Press Publish girlie!