Some of the best texts and emails I ever wrote were the ones I didn’t send. Haha. Actually, that’s quite accurate! It must have been around 90% of what I wrote, whether unsolicited or as a response, I never sent. I wrote, edited, sometimes saved to draft, printed out and burned . . . but rarely sent any of it. Of the ones I sent I regrettably have to report that there were about 3 that should never have left the coop. Those ones nearly took us out in terms of any hope of restoration. What I said was understandable given the circumstances, but they weren’t part of waiting and watching for God’s voice (Psalm 130) which is what I’d committed to do. I sent them from a place of deep emotional angst.
As I’ve said many times, I read a lot. I was reading story after story of women who had done what I considered super human things in order to be in a place where their marriage could be restored. Women who were waiting for their husbands to return to them even when their guy was with another woman. These women were and are way out of my league! Mostly they were patiently quiet and let their spouse carry on without their escalating emotions. These women went about, and are still going about, the business of restoring themselves and becoming healthy is all areas of their lives. They too had days where they wanted to pull the sheets over their heads, and they were okay with that and soldiered on. They knew/know their husbands were/are unwell, and that in some cases it takes a very long time for wellness to return. Remember too, that you are also unwell. The nature of this kind of crisis causes continual upheaval of your whole mind, body and soul.
Virginia Wolfe says in Orlando (part biography), “All extremes of feeling are allied with madness”.
Most of the rapid fire texting, messaging and emailing done in the heat of rejection and misunderstanding will almost certainly have altered perspective and be lacking in grace, even be tinged with madness. Gosh, do I ever know that!
Please remember that he is in a different kind of anguish than you are. He’s holding the reins of the situation, astride a wild steed going in several directions at once, rearing up at will, riding hard. He thinks he knows what’s best for himself and for you (!!!) within his wild wilderness. It has to play out, there is no telling the length of time it will take. He won’t remember much of what he’s doing and saying. You know more about what’s going inside of him than he does – zipped lips though – thus your anguish is indescribable.
So write, especially if that comes easily and naturally for you. Please send hardly any of it if your spouse wants to leave or has indeed left. Trust me, they really don’t want to hear from you and what you have to say won’t likely be helpful in any shape or form. They’re in a flippin’ funk, so don’t flip texts! Leave him flippin’ alone.