You think I’m really going to talk about SEX on the world wide web? Are you kidding? Well, I will kinda talk about it, but mostly I’d like to refer you to others who are more adept at speaking to this topic. When I started this blog I was pretty sure I would never even bring up the word sex – just too shy. I hardly know you anyway. BUT, I can’t skirt the issue because it’s just too dang important. SEX is IMPORTANT in marriage.
Over the years I’d accumulated enough bits and pieces from workmates, reading, friends, acquaintances to know that it was pretty important. I remember one colleague saying that once they got married she established a 1x per week sex night – usually Saturday nights but she would change that if she felt like it. We were in our mid 30’s then. It came across like she had him well trained. If so, that is just plain mean. Another gal, many moons ago, told me with certainty and Biblical backing (more like wrong headed thinking) that sex was for the childbearing years only. I hear her husband goes out on sailing trips for LONG periods of time. LOL. I’m thankful that what I mostly heard and took to heart was the healthy and good – my very devout Mom was forthright and ‘full steam ahead’ regarding good sex in marriage. Yeah for sexual health even amongst fundamentalists!
The years where the kids were little and hanging off my body in one way or another were tough in this area. I had thyroid issues as well so the exhaustion lines blurred one into another. I fully admit that over our 31 years of marriage I have done my fair share of “lie back and think of England” – a phrase erroneously attributed to Queen Victoria.
I was given a lot of time to think about this aspect of married life during our time apart. And think I did. No doubt you are thinking a lot about it too. I dreamed of him coming home to me in the middle of the night . . . . I dreamed of showing up at his hotel and then later his apartment (I still wince just writing that) wearing nothing but a trench coat . . . I longed for him. He didn’t come and I didn’t go. Well actually, I did go. Twice. That was the 1st time he left. When he left the 2nd time I knew better. Conjugal visitation was something I thought would be good for me, for him, for us, but only served to thrust the knife (a little double entendre for you there 🙂 ) deeper in my soul. Not advised. I never once saw that furnished apartment he had rented downtown for 5 months and am so thankful for that.
We have fought very hard to get out of that raging whirlpool. I plan to keep reading, learning and making time for love. On my bike the other day I was thinking about all the painful shit my husband said and did. Thought to myself, “I should write more of this stuff out on my blog so readers don’t think that my case wasn’t as bad as theirs”. (double negative there, I know)Like somehow all these resources and learnings would be discredited if it was deemed that I hadn’t suffered enough. Ridiculous. But, I had it all written out in my head nevertheless. (Healing is SUCH hard work. Sometimes it’s like a gift that drops in your lap, but mostly it’s the continual decisions one makes that are ‘healing forward’). You know what, my own words came back to me. Actually, I don’t believe they were my words but instead words the Holy Spirit gave to me at a pretty important juncture of our restoration. A lot of stuff doesn’t matter when you want something bad enough. That said, I really do resonate with Anne Lamont’s quote, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them they should’ve behaved better”. Haha! I wanted Mid Life Calm desperately – not trouble free, but calm and peace between us so we could handle life TOGETHER once again. So NOPE to rehashing the negative, aiming to keep it real while moving forward!
Here are a few good resources. Not too heavy. You can find heavy if you want as the gamut of sexual help resources are out there. 5 Things You Can Do About Your Husbands Mid Life Crisis from Chloe of the Mountain is great and she has some other good posts too. I like her pithy, straightforward, fun writing style. I really like Sheila Wray Gregoire’s writing too, especially on this topic. Spend some time here if this is an area of struggle for you. Gotta keep it fresh, gotta keep reading to remind ourselves of the importance of true intimacy. We need it too girls, it’s not about keeping our man happy. How’s this to get you started – 29 Days to Great Sex. Scroll down the page to find the 29 topics to click through for excellent advice, reassurance and encouragement.
I’ve hesitated to write about this because when you’ve been left, you are down on yourself about everything, and you think you must be the worst type of lover. If that’s where you are at presently please be assured that I know that feeling SO WELL. I pray for my readers and I’m sorry for your pain.