There are no shortage of metaphors/analogies/idioms used in describing marital crisis. Dust clouds, dense fog, a maze of tunnels, wandering the desert . . . to name a few.
For me, I think the rejection was the hardest to bear, but a close second was all the confusion. Everything he said and everything he did was so very confusing. After awhile you get so that you expect the next thing to be confusing which makes it somewhat easier to deal with – you uneasily place each item on a mental shelf labelled, ‘something is not right’, and carry on with what you need to do to be well.
By the way, the first story below was what I now indicate as the marker point for the Mr. Mean personality to come into full bloom! His truth was now out there and he was free to express himself honestly. To clarify his words and actions he often said, “I didn’t get to this point quickly . . .”, variations of we were likely done, and “you just don’t get it”.
Tummy flips again, just in writing that . . . even after all this time. BUT, it’s worth it if my story helps you in some way. That’s the reason I’m here.
If you’ve read my previous posts you’ll better understand these stories significance to me. New memories washing over former memories. God’s grace to both of us. We’re building trust moment by moment. John Gottman’s short, good word on how to build trust.
Story #1 .We recently returned from a business /slash/ pleasure trip. We were both ‘up front’ on the way there but on the return my husband was in business class and I was in economy. This was how it was for our trip to the other side of the world in 2012 when I learned that he was unhappy in our marriage, etc., etc., the bombshell stuff. On that return trip he came back to my economy seat a couple times to see how I was doing. I wanted to wail a thousand wails but sat still, so still and sad. It felt to me like I was the family pet on the way to the dog pound and my owner was checking to make sure my basic needs were looked after.
Then there was our return three days ago. Ditto many hours of flying. Ditto seating arrangement. Ditto his coming back to check on me. That’s where the ditto ends. Very warm, romantic and genuine exchange between us. In that moment the previous memory came back to both of us. (!!!) Two sets of teary eyes, and his words . . . . “I’m sorry”, “I love you so much”, “Thank you for loving me” . . . . . both of us warm all over!
Story #2. Two evenings now we’ve been watching ‘Call the Midwife’. We’ve watched 4 episodes altogether. Historical, intelligent, . . . . just plain great TV with heart.
Last year for us was about ‘MadMen’, ‘House of Cards’, and ‘Suits’. I found them interesting and certainly ‘MadMen’ was good for us in that it helped me better understand my husbands background – same age, same general area of the world but completely different worlds. He often said, “that was my life”.
I enjoyed watching these shows. It was way more TV and way different TV than I was accustomed to watching so I can’t explain it other than to say that it was good to be together.
To find that we are both enjoying ‘Call the Midwife’ happily surprises me. Juxtaposed TV seasons or what!
One friend calls these kind of stories, “full circle moments”.