When you’re on the other side of the crisis there are still these persistent recordings that want to keep playing in your headspace. Any outcome, even the wonderful outcomes can be fraught with ‘what if’, ‘why’, ‘what for’, ‘when’ . . . . and your thinking and decisions made around those questions.
An example from my own experience. There were some deeply concerning things going when my husband decided to ‘pull the plug’ and leave me. I discovered a scary banking decision he’d made. I won’t go into all my processing of that, but the outcome was such that I felt the need to prove to him that I wasn’t going to be out for his money on this roller coaster ride. Talk about crazy! I had to face reality and see this for what it was. I wanted to go under his financial radar as much as possible so I made some decisions around that and sold some things that were precious to me. I didn’t get what I had hoped for them, but it was enough to get me out of town for 3 weeks to clear my head. I’d resigned from pretty much every responsibility to see about saving this marriage so any personal income was minimal. This wasn’t ideal from a financial standpoint, but I took the decision that I had to do all I could to stay healthy, make necessary changes and be available for marriage saving initiatives. I still think this way and am slowly getting to a point where I once again contribute financially. There is no pressure from my spouse. He exudes gratitude at every turn. I think he knows, deep within his pneuma, that my pneuma needs time to be rejuvenated. I’ve taken the decision to not be in a hurry, keep balanced, be restored.
So, in the stories you find yourself in, the crazy circumstances that you could never have imagined yourself in . . . make your decisions carefully and then live in peace with them.
I found it hard to be thinking in ways I’d never expected to be flung into and I’d get stuck in that horror for awhile. Eventually though, I had to take steps . . . keep moving. Do things that I thought were called for in that space and time.
Fact – when you hope to rebuild something there is going to be collateral damage.
Some of your decisions may not feel or appear like they’re working out very well. Pray for grace to endure or for mercy to fall.Or both.Seriously.
Grace and mercy came. Still coming.
I toss issues like this into the ‘I own my own emotions’ basket which is a helpful tool I picked up from the Boundaries in Marriage book I’ve mentioned a couple times already.
My husband and money now? Generous with a splash of lavish towards me which is lovely and oh so warm BUT, when I see it shown towards others! I am astounded and something deep within wells up with pure gratitude for this miracle of love reborn.